Issued solemnly, this the 27th day of May, 2010 to Mr. And Mrs. Deighton acknowledging your inclusion in the distinguished list of family, friends and loved ones of the beloved Alaskan Teacher Colleen Deighton.
By virtue of the astounding, if not mind-boggling 42 wonderfully accumulated weeks composed in equal parts of sand, work, snow, darkness, tears and incredible joy in the service of the youth of Alaska, the Re-integration committee has decreed that the time has come for these calloused, blistered, tired and dirty feet to take a rest.
Soon this teacher will once again be in your midst, wearing out-of-style clothing, tanned from the neck up and wrists down, but full of love for her children, to once again enter into the high tech and overcrowded Continuous United States of America.
As chairman of the committee responsible for homeward bound teachers departing from bush Alaska, it is my duty and privilege to inform you of the return of Colleen Deighton to the United States of America, after she has completed her service to the Bering Straits School District, Shismaref Site.
In making proper preparations to welcome Ms. Deighton back into reorganized society, it is suggested to keep in mind the confined, foreign environment that has controlled her life for the past two years. You may want to stock your kitchen with such items as fresh cookies, fruit, vegetables with no soft spots, meat that hasn’t been frozen twice, any kind of homemade goodies, and of course your child’s favorite dish. Kindly dispose of any signs of moldy bread or frozen cheese, powdered milk, and boiled or Clorox added drinking water.
Try to understand when she has untimely and uncontrolled cravings for Eskimo Ice Cream, Nome Cake, Musk Ox, and fajitas made with Caribou. Don’t take it personally when she refuses to drink the water out of the tap, keeps a glass in the fridge, or refuses to clean her toothbrush right out of the sink. Don’t be alarmed when she washes her fruits and vegetables with Clorox water. Please take into consideration and do not be disturbed when she eats with her elbows on the table, reuses her paper plate, and throws leftovers out the window. Be sure to have a full tank of HOT WATER, so that she can enjoy her first bubble bath or private shower in a LONG time.
Do not be surprised when he watches the water swirl down the toilet with amazement, or continually checks under the sink to see if the drain bucket is full. Running water will be a relatively new concept for her. Also things like heat vents, air conditioning, washers and dryers in the home, carpet in the bedroom and vacuum cleaners will be totally foreign to her. Do not be surprised when she wears flip flops in the shower, tries to lock her shower supplies up in a cupboard in the bathroom, or gets dressed to go to the bathroom in the morning.
You will need to remind her not to use the broom on the carpet in the house to clean, because it is inefficient on all carpets except institutional. You can also tell her it is not necessary to put tin-foil on the windows at night. Yes, you will need to let her know…THE CAMPING TRIP IS OVER!!!
If she is made aware of an illness, virus or disease, she will have the tendency to prescribe drinking something with stink weed in it, that being the general cure for everything in the Bush. And if stink weed doesn’t work, a shot of penicillin from the local health aids will.
Please do not be disturbed when she tries to answer your questions with a raise of the eyebrows or a wrinkle of the nose. Do not be surprised if she repeats herself three times when speaking to a group. Please also ignore the use of definitions, what the word means, in every-day conversation.
This poor woman may have tendencies to get ready for church very late. With a commute of 45 seconds, anything longer seems like forever. Please kindly remind her that she doesn’t have to take roll at all meetings, reprimand small children she sees in public, or submit weekly plans in writing.
Your child is not used to driving a car. You can give Ms. Deighton her copy of the car keys, but before doing so you must teach her the rules of driving again. You see, she has been under the influence of “Bush Drivers” which means ANYTHING GOES- driving the wrong way down one-way streets, stop signs as suggestions that the bigger vehicle goes first and the little one should stop, not stopping for the police, the Largest vehicle has the right-of-way, etc.
You will also want to explain the purpose of the lines in the road-where they came from, why they are there, and where they go.
She may also need to be reminded that the hard stuff is called pavement, and one can drive faster than 20 miles an hour on it. She will also have to be reminded that five people do not fit in the cab of a pickup, nor can all five go without seat-belts. She may try to get 15 people in the back of a truck to drive the garbage to the dump. Please stop her from doing this before she gets a ticket. Please explain what tickets are.
For the first few weeks she is home, accept with understanding her broken English. A simple request for a translation will be sufficient when he involuntarily breaks into a dialogue known as “pigeon.” She may, also, pause a long time to think of a preposition or suffix. Please be patient.
Take into consideration her fragile “state of mind”. Do not be bothered if she taps the door and yells “Knock knock” while walking into a room uninvited, instead of waiting to be invited.
Please do not judge her crazy when her only topics of conversation are middle school cheerleading, the new vice principal, or how much snow fall we got this year. Ignore the following acronyms: BSSD, SHH, SIP, DART, QSM, IM, or HS/JH. Do not be embarrassed when she says hello to strangers at the store, or strikes up a conversation with the clerk at the gas station.
Also, when asked to run to the store before 9 am or between 6 and 7, don’t be alarmed if she replies saying, “I can’t, they’re closed!” Just patiently remind her that she is in the States now and CAN go whenever she wants.
You are hereby warned and duly cautioned to treat the newly delivered bush teacher with great care, courtesy, affection, and love. Humor her in every way possible. Remain calm when she tries to interact with strange children. She is used to having children around 24 hours a day, so don’t be alarmed if she starts watching Dora, or has an uncontrollable need to cut out shapes.
Please remember that this bush teacher is accustomed to a strict and organized daily schedule and anything that may interfere with her daily meals and bathroom breaks may cause her to react in strange ways. All individuals react differently. She may type up schedules and post them, or ask her siblings why they didn’t go to the bathroom before the show started. We all pray that none of these possibilities will occur.
As of now, you are officially warned of the daily sights that your teacher saw.
She will surely be suffering from “Bushitis” an extreme love for the Inupiaq people, so please try to understand when she gets that far away look in her eyes and tears brim and quietly excuses herself from the room. She will be thinking of that far away land and the people that she has grown to love and who have changed her life. But broken hearts are mended with lots of love, hugs and chocolate-chip cookies with milk and with a little bit of patience, tolerance, kindness, and time, she will once again resemble the pre-Alaskan specimen that you once knew. You may be confused by her need to drum on things and sing from deep in her throat, or dance without moving her feet. She may feel a deep desire to wear beaded hair ties every-day, or change into sandals in the house. Remind her to put on a sweatshirt when she goes out in 40* weather. Even if she laughs and says it feels tropical.
So this is it. SHE IS COMING HOME!!! I thank you for giving close attention to these matters, and I hope that this information will be of assistance in giving your bush teacher a warm WELCOME HOME.
Sincerely,
C.U. Soon
Director of Teacher Re-Inigration
